Something Broken
by windswept butterfly
Summary: A Carby reunion set in S11; story for the coffeeandpie.com Summer Fic Contest -- Winner Second Place


TITLE: **Something Broken**

AUTHOR: **Allie**

SUMMARY: **Set in season 11, a possible scenario in which Carter & Abby could reconnect and reach an understanding that leads to the (inevitable) reunion we all so desperately long for.**

SPOILERS: **None, really. Some are slightly eluded too, but if you're spoiler-free I highly doubt you'll pick up on them. You should be fine.**

AUTHOR NOTES: **Thanks so much to everyone who voted for this during C&P's fic contest/challenge. This might be the favorite of all my works so far, but maybe that's just because I worked on it longer and harder than any of the others. That being said, any and all REVIEWS are greatly (GREATLY) appreciated. I know everyone says it, but it really does make a writer feel better (and less paranoid) when readers take 2 seconds to even say "Good job."**

P.S. Those of you who follow my work will notice I've changed my username here on FFN - those of you from coffeeandpie will notice this as well, likely. I've taken to using not only a new username here at the site, but also an alias for myself overall. If you know my actual name (it ain't hard to find, really) just ignore it and humor me here in reviews. I have a reason for the alias - stupid and personal as it may be - and it's nice to have that respected.

ANYWAY! I hope you enjoy. And if you read this at C&P, it would still warm my heart for you to leave me a review here since everything was anonymous during the contest…

::hintnudgehint::

Without further ado (because I am SO longwinded), I give you…

"Something Broken"

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HOW IS IT possible, he wonders, for things to change so drastically over such a short period of time? And more so, why is it that certain aspects of life remain perfectly intact from year to year, decade to decade, without ever once causing you to stop and think about what would happen if they were suddenly different as well? As he leans against the familiar ledge, he stares out across the familiar city at all of the familiar places and notes that only one thing about the landscape below has been altered in the past eleven or so years of his life; on the corner of the street directly below, there is a convenience store where a greasy spoon once served up the best bad coffee in the city. Just like everything else in the past few years however, that too has become a faded memory in his scrapbook mind that refuses to let him forget... or to let him move on. Perhaps his memories are the same reason for his frequent escape to this very spot, even during the frost-bitten hell that is February in Chicago. So many different moments shared with so many different people up on this roof, and he has easily found it to be a comfort zone and the perfect place for quiet solace when his mind decides to wistfully carry him back to long-lost times when life seemed simpler and altogether ideal.

He realizes now that perfection is nothing more than a fantasy; a disillusioned reality created out of one's yearning to be a part of something magical, and he often wonders where he would be today if he had recognized the signs as soon as they had begun. Surely the pain he has endured from the loss of his child would be non-existent, for there would never have been a child at all if he had been able to understand the depth of his emotions and his ill-fated actions the very first moment he was swept away by Kem. He will always remember the moment when she announced to him that she was pregnant. In hindsight, he knows that it was at that moment that he became a different person. Until that very second, he had had every intention of someday returning to Chicago and seeing if there was anything left to salvage of the life he had left behind. Yet suddenly there was a baby involved, and the visions of a happy family and a fairy tale ending danced through his head with unstoppable vigor. His heart swelled with love for Kem and the next thing he knew, he was taking her to Chicago with the intention to build a life together and live forever in a perfect world. He knows now that he was never thinking clearly. Of course the child was important to him and there was no chance he would have abandoned his son, but to think that he and Kem could create a life together after only a mere six weeks of a relationship based solely on sex...

The idea of being a father, though, was simply too much for him to leave behind. He longed to be a part of something magical. Something perfect.

However, idealism ended with the tragedy of the baby, and she had finally gathered up the strength to admit the inevitable.

We're from two different worlds, John, she had said to him in their final moments together. She missed her family and friends, and she longed to be back in a place that was familiar and comfortable. When he had started to suggest going back with her, she immediately reached for his hand and told him to stay. _Your eyes are happier when you're here. These people are your home. _And with that, she had kissed him one last time and was gone. Eight months later, standing here on this roof, he wishes he could thank her. It sounds strange, but within three or four months of her departure he had known she had been right. His home is here. His family is here. His heart belongs to and with these people.

But most of all, it belongs with one particular person.

During the grief period that came from losing his son (and consequently, Kem), he had slowly allowed himself to disintegrate into a black hole of pain and self-hatred. No one could reach him, and he didn't want help. No one could reach him, that is, except for her. He could never understand it then, why it was that her wry smile and simple touch could comfort him far more than any sympathetic platitudes or loving interventions from anyone else. Perhaps it was because she never seemed to linger on it - they both knew he was hurting, but she just understood without explanation that he would discuss it if he wanted to. From there, he found himself spending every possible break with her grabbing a coffee by the river or a bite to eat across the street at Ike's. He loved how they could discuss the simple things in life. He loved the comfort he enjoyed just being in her presence. He loved the overwhelming feeling of pride he got every time he saw her in a lab coat. He loved the playful side of her that crept to the surface at least twice a day, and the way her smiles now far outnumbered her frowns. He loved that she was finally happy.

And about two months ago, he realized why her presence made his grieving easier to deal with and to overcome. Sure, she was his best friend again and the things he loved about her were endless. But he came to understand that most of all, he simply just loved. Not her smile or her hair or her witty repartee - not even her ability to make him forget that he was supposed to be hurting. It was just her. Everything about her.

Of course, he had come to this conclusion on Christmas morning after spending the previous evening having coffee and pie with her, exchanging gifts, and ending up beneath the mistletoe. They had shared a friendly and seemingly innocent kiss for the sake of tradition, but it had sparked something undeniable within him. And now it is creeping up on Valentine's Day and his mind no longer associates love with Kem. He only wants Abby.

The only problem he faces now is figuring out what to do about it. The friendship they have regained has made it easy enough to reminisce about their past romance; the good times they had together still manage to trigger smiles and laughter from them both. It is the bad times that remain buried deep within both of their hearts, and he worries that reopening those wounds will only push her away again. She is happy, content with her life now, and he doesn't want to disrupt that for her. He can't help but think that maybe he had held her back when they were together. All it took was him cutting her loose for her to make all of her dreams come true, and he fears that she has no interest in rekindling the flame that they both worked so hard to put out.

RUBBING HIS HANDS over his face in frustration, his senses register the smell of coffee and he opens his eyes to find a steaming travel cup being held just inches from his nose. Smiling widely, he takes it into his hands, warming them against the cold air.

"Were your ears burning?" he questions playfully.

"Excuse me?" she retorts, giving him her signature raise of the eyebrow as she turns to lean against the railing beside him.

He chuckles lightly before continuing, "I was just thinking about you. And now here you are."

A simple nod of the head is her only response and she takes a sip of her own liquid caffeine before turning to him and smiling sarcastically. "My ears would only be burning if you had been talking about me, actually, not just thinking." This time it is he who gives her an acerbic look in return and she smiles once more, stealing his heart, before asking the inevitable: "So what were you thinking?"

His mind begins to race as he realizes that he's not exactly ready to tell her the truth, and when he remembers a thought that had crossed his mind as he first stepped onto the roof tonight he knows how he can better approach this.

"Do you remember the first time we were up here together?"

"How could I forget?" she replies, beginning to laugh at the memory she has conjured up. "Susan still won't let me live it down, to this day she blackmails me with it. Cover her shift or she'll tell Chuny and Haleh about the day she found us 'taking a break' up on the roof. God, I still can't believe she caught us..." she giggles as she lets her sentence drift out into the winter air.

Carter bites down hard on his bottom lip and closes his eyes once again, the memory of that impromptu rooftop escapade having had momentarily escaped his thoughts. He allows them both a few quiet moments to think back on that day, only a month into their romance, when the inability to touch each other at work had simply become too overwhelming. He would give anything to experience that kind of happiness with her again, but he knows that any chance of that hangs on his determination to finish this conversation that he has barely even started.

"I was actually talking about the very first time we ever stood up here together... back when we barely even knew each other." He is met with a look of embarrassment from Abby as she realizes what he means and how incredibly off the mark her original response was. Carter chooses to let it slide however, and turns his attention back to the skyline in front of them. "It was five years ago this week. That night when everything happened... "

"Wow," is the only word she can articulate as she lets out a deep and heavy sigh, shaking her head in disbelief and pouting her lips in the way that only she can do. "I can't believe it's been five years. Sometimes it still feels like it was just last week."

Turning his body in her direction, he simply stares at her until he has her full attention. After receiving a questioning look, he decides that it's now or never. "Did you think - I mean, when we were up here that night five years ago... before everything happened with Sobriki and just... everything - could you have ever imagined that you and I would end up... the way we did?"

She doesn't respond, only pulls her bottom lip into her mouth and turns her own body so that she, too, is completely facing him as he continues.

"We always seem to end up here. On this roof."

"You proposed to me on this roof," she quickly adds, her eyes now staring over his shoulder as if she has lost herself in the memory of that night. "Two years ago this week."

His eyes find the pavement as his memory travels through time with hers, taking a few quiet moments to relive the joy and confusion of that night before eventually deciding to lighten the mood. "What is it about this place for us? And this week? Nothing ever goes right when we're up here. I think we need to find a new place to hide out, because this one isn't bringing us much luck," he finishes as he winks in her direction and watches as she smiles slightly, understanding his attempt to pull them both back from that fateful night.

Silence overwhelms them both once again and she is the first to turn away, gripping her coffee and facing out toward the city once more. He remains, watching her as she sips the liquid and brushes her bangs away from her eyes. His heart aches for her, and he hates that he has no idea what she's thinking.

"I never should have left you," he hears himself whisper into the night. Suddenly, he is praying that she didn't hear him. It's one thing for her to wistfully recall his rooftop proposal, even given the pain that followed it, but for him to insinuate that he wants to try again? It's never been done before, and even though he has every intention of telling her how he feels he's suddenly wishing that she has temporarily gone deaf. But as he notices her actions freeze and her body tense, he knows that he has been heard. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything, you're so happy with your life now and..."

"And what?" he hears her question, finally realizing that she's facing him again with a look of mild anger on her face.

"And I just... I guess you being my friend again is more than I had even expected, but I can't help but think about... I just miss you, Abby."

Timing being their lifelong enemy, her pager chooses this very moment to beep out its intrusion and give her the perfect escape. She doesn't say a word, just stares at him in confusion and disgust before turning and running back into the stairwell. Knowing better than to follow her, he decides to simply go home and hope that tomorrow morning will bring a sense of clarity for them both.

THE CLOCK READS 1:37 AM as he pulls on a sweatshirt and makes his way to the door, wondering who in God's name is pounding so loudly in the middle of the night. When he pulls it open, he doesn't even have time to register his senses before she storms past him and begins pacing anxiously across his living room. Closing the door quietly, he runs his fingers through his hair and cautiously steps toward her, not knowing what to expect.

"Abby?"

"Did you think you could just tell me you missed me and that would make everything okay?" she hisses through her teeth, finally standing still near the fireplace where a picture of them together, taken just last month on New Year's Eve, rests atop his mantle. He watches warily as her eyes pass over the picture and she seems to calm, if only slightly, before remembering why she has come here. Narrowing her brow, she turns to face him once more, prepared to release the emotions she has held inside for so long. "Is that what you thought?"

Opening his mouth to respond, he only manages a timid "No..." before she elevates her tone and continues.

"Because it doesn't make it okay, Carter! You can't just decide that you're ready and expect me to forget everything that happened and act like none of it even matters! I'm sorry Carter, but it doesn't work that way!"

"Abby, I'm..." he starts, but she's on a roll and refuses to let him interject.

"No, you don't get to talk right now, okay? Just..." she closes her eyes, frustrated, and sighs before slowly lowering herself onto his couch. "When you asked tonight if I ever thought those two people on the roof five years ago would end up the way we are today... no, I didn't. Because even though I didn't know back then how much I would fall for you, I never thought we would end up these two people who... " She sighs again and he knows that she's debating whether or not to say what's really on her mind. "I don't know what I thought we'd end up as, but I know it wasn't this."

Daring to take a few steps in her direction, he sits on the coffee table in front of her.

She shakes her head vigorously, clearly trying not to cry as she takes a deep breath and looks him in the eye. "Do you ever stop to think about where we went wrong?"

He knows that this is a rhetorical question, so he chooses only to take her hand into his own and start to fight for what he knows he wants. "We weren't ready back then, Abby. There was so much baggage, and I kept trying to blame it all on you... but you were right, I had my own problems. Neither one of us wanted to deal with any of it, ya know, we just kept running away. Me the worst. And I'm sorry."

"You didn't even say goodbye," she mumbles as she rips her hand from his, throwing up her defenses once again.

"I came straight to you when I got back, I apologized for the way I left, and if we're going to get technical here then I seem to remember you being the one to kick me out that morning," Carter fires back, suddenly overcome by emotion and wishing that he could make her understand.

"Of course I kicked you out," he hears her whisper in response, her eyes apparently very interested in the pieces of lint on her pant legs. "You hurt me, I couldn't risk it again. Call it self-preservation, I guess. Lot of good it did, though, because you hurt me again anyway." As she finishes, she looks directly into his eyes once more so that he can see the damage that he has done.

"I'm sorry about the letter. It was stupid. But I felt like we were going around in this vicious circle and I knew that if I had to hear your voice or see your face, there was no way I would be able to go through with ending it. I didn't know what else to do. It didn't even seem like you cared if I left."

"How can you say that?" she asks him, eyes wide with shock, "I begged you to stay, John. You stood there watching me cry for you and you just left anyway. And then you came back with Kem and she was... I mean, did you even spend a whole week alone after sending that letter, or was it really that easy for you to forget about me?"

She notices the look of desperation in his eyes as he slowly stands and walks over to fireplace, stopping in the exact spot where she had been just moments before. For a split second, she finds herself wondering if the desperation she sees is for the woman and child that he lost... or perhaps for her and the anxiety over things that he still has yet to make clear. He knew that the topic of Kem would make an appearance eventually, but now that it finally has he finds himself scrambling for the right words to explain. Explain how it happened. Explain how he felt. Explain why it wasn't Abby, instead. Waiting somewhat impatiently, she has turned her body slightly on the couch and watches his as he crouches to the floor and begins to build a fire.

"Carter," he hears her demand but still does not look up. "Right. Well this has been fun, but since you can't seem to follow through on a discussion that you started in the first place..."

"Me?!" he howls in amusement, cutting her off as she attempts to stand and grab her purse. "You're one to talk about people who can't follow through and commit, Abby! Anytime things get rough, you run the other direction! Look at you, even now you're leaving!"

With that, she tosses her coat and purse back onto the couch and prepares herself for a fight. "Do you even SEE me anymore? Yeah, I don't deny that I used to do that! Hell, it's the easiest thing to do and I still have to stop myself from falling into that again but... I'm not that person anymore and you know it!"

She remains standing, glaring at him in a challenge to deny what she has just let loose: the truth. They both know that the Abby who stormed to his apartment in the middle of the night is not the same girl that used to simply ignore every difficulty that tortured her soul. As Carter places the fire poker back against the wall, she watches on edge until he makes eye contact and she knows that he agrees.

"I wanted to forget," he finally voices, running a hand through his tousled hair and moving to sit once again on the coffee table before her. Taking his cue, she relaxes slightly and sits as well, trying to learn more from his eyes than she can from his words. "That's why I stayed there for so long. I kept thinking if I could just stay one more month, I'd get over it. Get over Gamma dying, get over the confusion of it all, get over you."

"And did you?" she questions, still somewhat on the verge of anger and frustration as she tries to comprehend what comes next for them.

"Get over Gamma and the burden she left on my shoulders? Yeah. Not while I was in Africa, no, but in the past few months... I'm okay. And as far as you're concerned, you seemed a lot better off without me. Happier. More complete."

"Well," Abby whispers before clearing her throat and speaking more confidently, "maybe I _am_ happier without you."

They stare at one another for several moments, both trying to read the other and both trying to hide the truth that lies behind the chocolate-brown spheres of their irises. Even though both have grown and changed in the past two years, he can still see the truth in her eyes; the reality beyond the façade is so obvious to him now, and he wastes no time in calling her bluff.

"You wouldn't have come here tonight if you were."

He watches her closely for a few minutes before she reaches up and wipes a lone tear off of her cheek, then meets his eyes once more as the slightest hint of a smile begins at the corners of her mouth. "I hate you," she whispers, but her eyes betray her voice and he smiles in return. "I know."

"You remember Christmas Eve? Under the mistletoe?" she suddenly voices, more confident and secure in her emotions. Seeing him nod, his love for her filling up his eyes, she finishes her thought, "I wanted so badly to forget everything from last year and just be in that moment - just be together again, kissing under that stupid, evil mistletoe - but I don't want to be your second choice, John. I'm not the backup girl."

Carter's face immediately falls and he stares at the hardwood floor beneath his feet, shaking his head and regretting the fact that he ever caused her to question her importance in his life. It's suddenly clear to him that he can no longer afford to skirt around the issues at hand, so he takes a deep breath and allows his teary eyes to grant her access into his soul.

"Abby... It's always been you, okay? I've made mistakes but... God, I just... I love you so much..."

Her throat constricts and she has to swallow hard to keep herself from choking on her own emerging tears.

"I should go," she whispers softly, standing from the couch and avoiding his gaze.

"It's late, I don't want you on the El tonight. Stay."

THE SUN IS shining brightly through the windows despite the bitter cold of the morning as Carter stands in the kitchen reading the paper and awaiting the percolation of some freshly brewed coffee. His mind is racing with the events of last night and he has no idea what will happen next. Nothing was decided, but she didn't run home angry. He's concluded that it must be a good sign.

Pouring himself a cup of a coffee, he hears the door to the guest room open and reaches for another mug from the cabinet above. When he finally turns his head, he is taken aback by the sight before him. Abby is walking across the living room wearing nothing but one of his white, button-up dress shirts, her long blond hair disheveled and flowing freely around her face. He remembers when she used to come to breakfast in the very same attire, and a smile crosses his face as she reaches the kitchen and he hands her the cup that he has just finished pouring. Leaning her shoulder against the entryway to the kitchen, she sips her mug in silence and watches him as he stands by the counter mimicking her actions.

"What?" she finally asks, breaking the comfortable and flirtatious atmosphere that has filled the room.

"Nothing," he responds, placing his own mug onto the counter beside him and motioning to her outfit. "I see you raided my spare closet. That's a good look for you."

The blush that takes over her face cannot be stopped and she looks away quickly in attempt to hide it. "Oh yeah, real sexy," she comments with an eye roll as she self-consciously runs a hand through her hair in an attempt to better her appearance.

"Abby," he whispers, daring to cross the line into unresolved territory once more as he takes a step toward her. He quickly brushes a soft wisp of hair from her eyes before letting the words escape his lips. "You're beautiful."

Eyes immediately falling to her coffee mug, she closes them tightly and presses her lips together in a look of what Carter can only describe as pain. He wants to apologize instantly, but decides that he's done nothing wrong. They won't get anywhere together if they continue to live in fear of admitting their true thoughts. And so he lets his words hang in the air, watching her face cautiously until she takes a deep breath and sighs.

"I don't know if I can do this," she murmurs, her voice still heavy from the lack of sleep.

"Do what?" he responds, trying to hide the fear in his voice as he already knows what she means.

"This. Us."

Raising her eyes to meet his own, she places her coffee mug onto the counter just inches from his and begins to fidget with the corners of her - _his_ - shirt as the words rush from her lips.

"I want to, it's just that I don't... I'm scared," she finally confesses, her head bowing quickly as she scolds herself for being so candid. Before she can think of a way to take back her words, though, she feels a finger beneath her chin and her gaze is slowly being pulled away from the floor until it meets his own.

"You want to?" Carter smiles shyly as he asks, knowing that she's just revealed more to him than she normally would. He sees the slightest hint of wetness building in the corners of her eyes as she stares deep into his, finally giving the smallest trace of a nod before closing her eyes and swallowing hard.

"What if it doesn't work?" she questions softly, still needing that last dose of reassurance. "It was bad enough that you left the first time, I don't know what would happen if..."

This time he cuts her off by gently pulling her into his arms, knowing that they're so close to a second chance but hating himself for ever causing her to doubt it. "I'm not going anywhere, Abby," he hears himself whisper into her hair, but realizes he has said something wrong when she immediately pushes away and shoots him a look of skepticism.

"Yeah, well, I've heard that one before."

"Abby," he sighs dejectedly, reaching for her once again and finding hope in the fact that she allows him to take her hand. "I can't make you any promises. I never should have in the first place, and I'm sorry. It won't be easy, but... this is it for me."

Moments pass in silence as the words he has just said repeat over and over again within the recesses of her mind. The fear is still entirely present and the fact that old habits die hard is making her want to pull away again and deny reality. She knows that this is what she wants for herself, though - another chance with him, and a chance to do it right this time. The pounding of her heart tells her that it's time to take a risk; it's time to take her mother's advice and go for the 'good things' that life can offer her. And as she looks past his eyes and into the deepest parts of his soul, she knows that she can trust him completely. She knows that she has no more excuses for passing up the happiness that he offers. He loves her, he told her as much last night, and she smiles inwardly as she tightens her grip on his hand and chooses to move forward with her life.

"You really like me in your shirt?"

Carter is caught off-guard by her casual question amidst such a tense conversation, but smiles slightly as he looks her over once more. "You have no idea how much," he groans, his voice raspy as he takes her other hand into his own, now holding both and stroking the backs lightly with his thumbs. As she takes a step closer to him, resting her forehead against his chest, she allows his hands to move and rest lightly upon her hips.

"Think I can keep it?" she coyly inquires into his chest. "Because I figure if I'm going to be sleeping here from now on, I should probably have something to wear every morning..."

Carter cannot stop the smile that spreads across his face when he finally understands what she has told him. He hasn't smiled this way since - he can't even remember, but it doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is that he has her back, and she wants to stay. Pulling her closer, he wraps his arms entirely around her waist and looks into the magnificent chocolate pools of her eyes.

Pressing her lips together in that signature pout, she places both of her hands upon his bare chest and gives him a serious look. "We have a lot to talk about," she states matter-of-factly, watching his eyes as his hands slowly move up and down her hips through the white cloth of the shirt. "I mean, it's not like we solved every single problem last night."

"I know," is his sole response, still staring into her eyes with more love than she can ever comprehend.

"It's just that..." she begins again, eyes still locked on his and hands still clinging to his chest, "I don't want to waste any more time just because we haven't finished talking or fighting about the past yet. I don't want to go on every day and never be able to feel the way that I do when... when we're like _this_."

With one hand, he reaches up to her face and once again pushes the hair from her eyes before lightly trailing a finger down her cheek. "We'll work it out," and she nods in response, silently vowing to make it work this time. "I love you, you know that?"

Without a word, she reaches behind his neck and pulls his lips onto her own, kissing him with all of the emotion that has been pent up within. It is a kiss filled with passion, want, anger, hope, jealousy, hatred, strength, longing, and most of all... love. And it's in this moment that she realizes what she has yet to say. Reluctantly breaking the kiss, she pushes herself onto the tips of her toes and wraps her arms around his neck, hugging him to her tightly and whispering softly into his ear, "I love you, too."

She can feel the strength of his arms as he squeezes her even tighter, the importance of her words leaving him speechless for once. They both relax in the embrace for several minutes before she takes a deep breath and lets go, stepping away from him and grabbing her coffee once again.

"I should go shower, I have a shift later."

And as he watches her walk away toward his bathroom, he is overwhelmed by what has just occurred. He knows they have a long way to go and that nothing is resolved yet. They both understand that what has transpired over the past two years has caused pain on both ends, and that this is going to be a journey filled with hard work and tears around every corner. But he also knows that he wouldn't have it any other way, and she has made it very clear that she wouldn't either.

When he was with Kem, he thought she could make his life magical and perfect. But he realizes now that he doesn't need magic and he doesn't want perfect. He wants something broken and real. Something that takes work and offers surprises with every new day.

He wants what he had all along.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he looks toward the bathroom and notices Abby smiling seductively as she works to undo the buttons on the shirt that is now hers.

"Are you coming, or what?"

Oh, absolutely. Broken is definitely better.

Fin.


End file.
